I see this face staring back at me and I tremble. For I have uncovered a secret that has somehow been kept under wraps for decades. A secret that may indeed put the lives of myself and everyone I love in jeopardy. Our beloved choco cereal mascot is none other than…

Paul McCartney!!!

One can only wonder why he has chosen to lead this secret life. Singer by day, lord of the damned by night. Who knows how many lives he has taken to sate his eternal bloodlust. In fact, Heather Mills had both of her legs when she met him.

Rare photographic evidence of Count McCartney in mid transformation.

Paul is dead, indeed.

Michelangelo’s David better be on his toes. I think he’s next on the list. However I think Lady Liberty may be in for some trouble when the Colossus of Rhodes reemerges.

I speak of a new iPhone/iPad/iPod app called Game Dev Story. In this simulation game, developed by Kairosoft you act as the owner of a fresh out of the womb game company. Your goal as overlord is to see how much money and fame you can accumulate in a 20 year period. You hire, fire, train and level up employees who will design games based on whatever parameters you set. If you decide you want to see a pirate themed puzzle game developed for the PC put your minions to work and see what results. The success of a game is dependent on a number of factors; the popularity of it’s chosen platform, how trained and experienced your workers are, how well the game’s genre and theme mesh together, etc. Along the way you will see the introduction of newer and more advanced platforms, acquire new fans, face the wrath of magazine reviewers, and be faced with the utmost of horrors – paying your employees.

From what limited information I could gleam on this game, it appears it was released many moons ago as an indie PC game in Japan which was then ported to mobile phones. An iPhone version was released early this past summer with the English translation popping up last week. It is quite a fun little time waster with enough simplicity to jump right in but enough depth to make you stick around. With the introductions now taken care of, I bring you the story of my fabled game company … ZABKAVISION.

You tell 'em pal!

I begin the game with $500,000 and a small office in what I am going to say is the suburbs of Idaho because those guys really have nothing going for them out there. This office thoughtfully came with two built in employees. I must remember to find a real estate agent like that when I start my own business in reality. I decide that I need to make a game FAST to gain some capital so I hire two more employees. With my sweatshop becomes fully stocked we begin work on my first ever video game – a pirate themed table PC game which I dub Buccaneer Billy. Actually, I was meaning to make it an adventure game but I was careless. Apparently I have such a hold on my employees that they are too fearful to question my bad decisions. That’s the way it SHOULD BE!

Work on Buccaneer Billy is quickly completed and the public does not seem to care; only 22,298 games sold. I take it in stride and jump right into my second game – a ninja themed adventure PC game known as Sweep the Leg! During this tumultuous time the shit begins to hit the fan. My sound engineer decides she has such talent that she can single-handedly improve the audio design for the entire company. All she needs is $50,000. I take a risk. I should have known better. Not only does her failure cost me $50k, it also introduces about 20 bugs to the game which will need to be fixed. That bitch. Work continues onward and my writer gets the idea that he too is a jewel among the rough. For another $50k he can improve the scenario of this game and ALL subsequent games. How could I pass that offer up? Suffice to say … he is also a bitch. 20 more bugs added to my game. In the end Sweep the Leg was released to a resounding … silence. At least there weren’t boos this time. Well, from the public. I’m sure my sound engineer and writer weren’t so ambivalent when I showed them the door. The game sold 45k, more than double the previous one but still not great.

All nighters are to be expected at Zabkavision!

Money was running out and I already had to dip into my $150k reserves. I needed to turn things around. I hired just one employee to replace my prior two worthless gasbags. It was my attempt at a cost saving measure but it meant I had to hire a freelancer for each game’s sound design. Eh, one less mouth to feed. I needed a new direction. One with mass appeal and a higher potential for sales. I decided on a puzzle game featuring animals. Thus Willy Safari was born. Production on this title was mixed. My remaining writer did not learn from his cohorts mistakes and requested $50k to improve his skills. Knowing better, I STILL gave it to him. Life is about risks. Life is also about learning how to live on food in dumpsters. My writer failed but I allowed him to remain in my employ. At some point during this development a man entered my office and attempted to sell me drugs! He had all kinds of pills which would increase my employees “stamina’”, “energy”, or “creativity”. Quite a suspicious fellow. I am saddened to admit that I would have taken him up on his offer in no time … if I could afford it. Things were not looking well. Willy Safari did better numbers than my previous games but not by much. 39,772 units out the door.

I could do so much more. New horizons and all that. I began work on my table styled golf game, also developed for the PC Billy Clubs. With this game I took no chances. Multiple requests to “improve” skills went unanswered. We WERE going to succeed with this one. In the end, I guess Billy Clubs was too far ahead of it’s time. While being my best selling game, only 58,217 units were sold. Still, this was enough to raise some serious dough. I could finally get things on track.

Over the three year period there had been a nice advancement in technology. What once had been a market of PC and the Micro SX, competitors had joined the fray. Senga released the Exodus and Intendro released the IES. Each console being more popular than the last, I realised I need to reach new markets. I paid the Senga company $400,000 for the ability to develop for the Exodus. This game had to save me. Unfortunately I was not so forward thinking. After obtaining the license I had very little money left. Actually, I had almost no money left. I had failed to take into account that I needed money up front for game development. With my wonderful new license in hand I could not even develop another PC game. I fired two more employees. I’m sure they understood. We took on some contract work with another company to write a new game scenario. We were too short staffed and we failed to meet deadline.

This is not America!

With my one employee and just a handful of money left I did the only thing I could. I trained him as much as I could and we sat around my office having the secretary dictate shopping lists. Zabkavision ended up $32k in the hole.

Ok, so maybe this is America!

We were sent home in body bags.

To begin I must state that I’ve kept myself in the dark about most Uncharted 2 details.  I am one of those types who’d like to be surprised by any little detail.  As a result, I don’t know how many maps or game modes the full release will have.  The beta, at least, has a couple of different maps and three basic modes.

Competetive deathmatch is the basic standard (and my favorite of the bunch).

• I’ve had a lot of fun with this one.  Games consist of five on five teams with one team being the heroes (Drake,Sully, Elaina, Chloe, Juan Valdez) and another team being what seem to be random mercenaries.  The run and gun shooting feels good and the maps are well layed out, if not a bit small.  There will be a leveling up mechanic as after each round you gain money for kills, goals and the like.  I must say it is kind of fun watching a team of five Nathans run around while being chased by a guy looking like Sub-Zero.

Competetive plunder draws from the familiar Capture the Flag gameplay.

• Money is placed throughout the map and the teams have to race to get to it first and hold onto it for the longer period.  The same five on five setup is present here.  Upon retrospect this mode seems closet to the Propoganda parts of a Killzone 2 map.  Looks like fun if you’re in that kind of mood, but I don’t see myself spending too much time in it.

There is also a co-operative mode for upto three players.

• This mode has what looks to be a seperate campaign from the main game.  There are goals, checkpoints, shooting.  To be honest I can’t say too much about this mode as each of the three times I’ve tried it, I’ve had quite a few bugs.  At one point I (as Chloe) seemed to be auditioning for a part in a porno as I hovered in the air with my ass covering Nathan’s face.  I always suspected Drake was into that sort of thing.  At another point my team was supposed to climb a wall.  The other two players made it over OK but while the cut-scene showing my character climbing was playing, I was gunned down by some invisible force.  This left me completely immobile and I just quit the game after that.  if executed properly, I can see this being a fun time if you’re playing with friends or at least semi-competant people.

Once again I will stress how completely shocked I am that I am enjoying this game so much.  I’ve a huge fan of the adventure-action style of the first game and the campaign of part 2 is looking amazing.  It gives me great peace of mind to see that I shouldn’t have to worry about either half of the game when Uncharted 2 ships in Novmber.

Uncharted 2 MP review?

In my opinion, gamers nowadays are too eager to cry foul if a game simply focuses on providing a solid single player experience.  I fully understand some of the reasoning – you’re paying upto $60 for something and you’d hope to get at least some longevity out of it.  Recently, a friend bought Infamous.  He told me that it’s a great game, but he wishes there were multiplayer.  I had to ask why.  I haven’t had the chance to experience Infamous yet but everything I’ve heard centers the story around one man.  Plus it’s a game that requires multiple playthroughs to see everything.  With scores in the 9.0 range, would you be OK with a decrease in quality just to add another bullet point to the back of the box?

With recent announcements there have been a rush of sequels to purely single player games that now have multiplayer components.  Uncharted 2:Among Thieves, Bioshock 2, Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Athena, even freaking Leisure Suit Larry.  I’m all for more game for your buck, but I’m also more of a proponent of the quality over quantity philosophy.  If a developer can cram both styles in and keep the quality rating high, I applaud them.  Realisticly, this just won’t happen very often.  There are these things called deadlines.  perhaps you’ve heard of them?  These are evil bastards who suck the life out of many promising creations to please corporate overlords.  Knights of the Old Republic 2 was on track to be a great followup to one of my favorite games.  Then tragedy struck and the deadline monster rose from the depths to completely obliterate the ending of the game leaving it looking like the T-1000 after a couple of shotgun blasts to the face.  In all honesty, even the best developer would have trouble fending off this troublesome foe.  Because of this, I don’t put much faith in many games to perfect the balance.

Let’s use Bioshock as an example.  The original was released on the 360 in August 08.  It’s focus was on creative storytelling and an immersive narrative.  Whether you liked the content or not, you had to feel the dedication that Ken Levine and his team put into the game.   Now, just over 2 years later they are releasing a sequel.  For a intense story driven game to get a quality game in such a short time with preproduction, solid writing, good gameplay and a full QA test would be quite a feat.  Now add in a new mutiplayer mode and pray.  All the previews and descriptions make the new game sound pretty good.  I just hope the team can hold it all together without anything getting lost in the shuffle.

With every game and it’s father now having multiplayer the most pressing problem is simply finding a community.  Riddick came out just two months ago and the servers (at least on PS3) are empty.  The Pitch Black mode in that game is genuinely fun and innovative yet nobody is playing it.  As more and mroe games add multiplayer, the communities run the risk of getting smaller and smaller.  Gamers are a pretty fickle group.  If you don’t have a CoD4 beater, or at least something that can match that, you’re chances of long term survival are slim from the start.  If  the MP isn’t shaping up to be world changing, just dump it at the get go and use the time to polish up the main game.  A shiny pearl will have more buyers than two fancy turds.

Due to the code available in some copies of Infamous, I was able to download the Uncharted 2 beta.  I willingly admit that, so far, my worries seem to be for naught in this case which I will give my thoughts on in tomorrow’s post.

While the first MvDK game was released on the GBA in 2004, the true genesis of the series was ten years earlier on the good ol’ eye-buster.  Donkey Kong was released on the Gameboy in 1994 and is sometimes credited as a port of the arcade classic.  This is not entirely true; while the first four levels recreate the arcade game (in appearance but certainly not difficulty) there are 97 additional levels.  Once the arcade portion is completed, the focus shifts to a more puzzle oriented style where you must help Mario retrieve a key and bring it to a door to unlock the next stage.  It would only take a few minutes to figure out each stage resulting in short fun bursts of gaming goodness.  The total package brought together a variety of stages and addictive gameplay to create a near perfect portable game.

Looking back it is quite surprising that it took ten years for Nintendo to “follow up”.  I don’t know how successful the original was financially but Nintendo isn’t one to let any franchise lay dormant for so long.  Released in 2004, Mario vs Donkey Kong was it’s spiritual successor (and yes, I am getting tired of seeing that phrase used so often).  The basic premise involves Mario starting a toy line which is extremely successful (shocker!).  Donkey Kong, being the huge geek that he is, desires to add to his Mario memorabilia collection.  However, it appears that the Mushroom Kingdom is experiencing a toy craze the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Furby and poor DK can’t find a Mini-Mario anywhere.  Chaos ensues.  Some shit is slung.  Mario loses his girl (AGAIN) and we must save her.  This game is a little more varied.  There are six environments with seven or so types of levels each with a different goal.  Personally, as fun as the game is, I think that it’s most notable for the fact that Princess Peach is nowhere to be found.  The damsel in distress in this series is none other than Pauline, the original ape-bait from the arcade game.  Now we know that either Mario is two-timing Peach (that rat bastard) or that polygamy is legal in the Mushroom Kingdom.

The back of what I presume to be a bootleg. I know my copy doesn't say that

Mario vs Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis was released on the Nintendo DS in 2006.  This game features around 80 levels which mostly focus on the Mini-Mario toys from the first game.  Most levels involve controlling the little guys from one end of the level to a doorway somewhere on the other side while avoiding death traps and enemies.  The game plays a little like Lemmings and got quite difficult near the end.  Not that the level design was especially poor but the AI seemed to have a suidical tendency.  Three Mini Marios would have no problem following my orders but there always seemed to be one rebel more than happy to jump to his bloody death.  Dumbshit.  While I enjoyed the game, it just seemed to lack some of the charm of the original.

This leads us to the newest entry subtitled Minis March Again.  This DSiWare exclusive title can be downloaded for 800 points (or $8 in real world terms).  There are about 40 single player levels (4 “worlds” with 8 stages each and a boss battle).  As with the previous games, there are unlockable alternate versions of these levels after completion.  The difficulty seems a bit easier than the second game.  The first two stages went by in a snap.  The third stage ramped up a little but at least one end path was always quickly visible.  At this point it was no longer an inevitable that I would get the gold medals on the first try.  I am currently 3 levels into the fourth stage and I admittedly die at least once a stage.  Overall, the Nintendo created levels do fall a little short in number and duration, but this isn’t a full retail release so that’s forgivable.  The graphics are bright and quaint, with nice little touches of 8 bit and 16 bit Mario games thrown about.  I particularly enjoyed the clouds floating in the backround hanging from a string, looking like they were stripped straight out of Super Mario World.

The real bread and butter of this release is the level creator.  The tilesets and sprites seem mostly copied over from the level creation mode in part 2, but the tools provided are quick and simple.  Additionally, you can also go online and download user created levels.  While searching, the bottom screen will provide a list of available levels while the top can provide a screenshot of the finished item.  This is a really nifty way of providing content but navigating menus on the DSi’s WiFi and screen can be quite cumbersome.  You are allowed 100(!) slots for downloadable levels on your system, which I applaud Nintendo for including in this release.

All in all, MvsDK3 is quite a release for the fledgling DSiWare store.  $8 is a steal if you are into this kind of puzzle game and I hope that the user created community keeps up for quite a while.  I’m not one for rating games but since people seem be reliant on those I’d rate it a 8.5 or A-.

Yes, ninjas.  It appears the late Mr Carradine had been doing some research into ancient martial arts societies.  Some secret sect of ninjas out there did not take too kindly to this and decided the legend must not continue.  According to the family’s lawyer “The family has been trying to get the FBI involved in the Thai investigation, and on Monday the bureau said it would help.”  Now, the three primary potential causes are as follows: suicide, sexual stripper suffocation, and ninjas.  Of course, I don’t see why all these have to be completely mutually exclusive.  Maybe during the act he found out it was a tranny Thai prostitute and decided to end it.  Or maybe he knew the ninjas were after him he faked his death in a completely humiliating manner to give some believability to it.  Now, I have another theory . . .

That’s right, NINJA PROSTITUTES. Watch out people, they are everywhere.

Source:  TampaBay.com

My first example is a tale that many of you may have some sympathy for.  Each day I take my afternoon break somewhere around the three o’clock hour.  The courthouse is winding down around this time and the hallways and elevators become a little less crowded.  While I pondered jumping out the window before returning to my office I made the trek to the elevators.  At this point I am on the second floor.  After a few seconds one of the six luxurious transportation devices arrived at my location.  The doors opened to present to me around six people already in the elevator – all of whom are staring at me blankly.  Usually this would be no big deal.  I step into the car and notice there is no button currently pressed .  Immediately I realized that this car was full of people going down, yet it appears NOBODY thought to push a floor button whilst getting on.  I pressed the button to go UP to the fifth floor while the fools resumed their conversations.  Once the bell dinged to signify that we passed the third floor, these people started to be a little concerned.  One asked “Where are we going?”  In one of the strongest moments I’ve ever had, I restrained myself with a simple silent smirk.  I get off the fifth floor and quickly look back as the doors close.  Those people – completely befuddled.  I’d like to believe that if I hadn’t called the elevator when I did they may have remained waiting in the elevator for hours until someone had an epiphany.

Another tale is quite a poor reflection of Florida’s education system.  One morning as I am walking along the first floor lobby I pass various courtrooms.  Outside one of these is a man likely in his early 30s.  he seems to have a friend slightly younger talking on a cell phone.  From what I gather they had either a friend or relative inside the courtroom who was just sentenced for some most likely moronic action.  The conversation follows as thus:

Man 1 (on the phone):  Oh lord, they just sentenced him.  He got 64 weeks!.
(turns to friend on bench)  What’s 64 weeks?

Man 2:  That’s like EIGHT years, man!

Yes, 64 weeks = eight years.  I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.

!Bonus story!: Although this does not take place in the courthouse, it is another example of the world’s most intelligent state.  While at Wal-Mart to get my DSi on launch night, I overheard what seemed to be an event with the workers at this store.  One of the cashiers kept asking customers what the DC in Washington DC stood for.  It seems that none of the cashiers in this store had ever known it stood for District of Columbia.  They simply thought it was there for show I guess.  I know I shouldn’t expect too much from Wal-Mart, but this struck me as very troublesome for some reason.

And now as to not end this post on a completely down note I present one of those images that you just never expected to see.  Behold.

Verne Troyer playing with Tony Hawk's new skateboard peripheral. AKA a dwarf on a deck or a lilliputian on a longboard.

Posted in Society Tagged: courthouse, elevators, Hillsborough, stupid ]]> http://deceasedequineassault.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/tales-from-the-courthouse/feed/ 0 KoolKing custom_1244493252141_vernet http://deceasedequineassault.wordpress.com/2009/06/07/e3-2009-sony-press-conference/ http://deceasedequineassault.wordpress.com/2009/06/07/e3-2009-sony-press-conference/#comments Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:54:02 +0000 KoolKing http://deceasedequineassault.wordpress.com/?p=123 ]]> Now I wind down my E3 coverage with the Sony press conference from Tuesday afternoon.  There’s no question that Sony has been in last place for this console cycle but the Japanese people aren’t known for being quitters.  Sony provided a varied assortment of games and technology both near and distant.  In my opinion, they’ve stolen the show.

1.  Opening thoughts

So Sony sought to promote their unified Playstation experience (PS3, PS2, PSP, and PSN) as the focal point for this years conference.  In doing so, they immediately won me over by using Queen’s One Vision as the theme song.  Best opening video ever.

2.  Uncharted 2: Among Thieves – the fall 2009 sequel to the Naughty Dog 2007 action  game.

What an amazing sight.  The graphics looked astounding.  The gameplay looked more or less the same as the first one (which is quite alright with me).  This is one of my most anticipated games this year.  I just played the first one a couple of months ago and I will surely play it again in a month or two to prep for he sequel.

3.  MAG – Sony’s MASSIVE ACTION GAME.  boasts 256 player online battles with huge maps.

I’m not really too psyched about this.  When they announced it last year it didn’t seem all that special and with more though, I really don’t see it working too well.  I foresee many server crashes and people spawning only to die immediately when 20 other people shoot directly at him.  Likely a pass for me.

4.  Pink PSP bundle with Hannah Montana game

So this got a huge reaction from the crowd.  Enlighten me, please.

5.  PSP Go! – Kaz Hirai comes out to showcase the newest iteration of the PSP hardware.  Boasts 16GB built in flash memory (with Memory Stick slot still available), built in Wi-Fi and Bluetooth, and no UMD drive.  On sale in October for a measly $250. Will also come in a white model.  Yippee!

… $250?  Really.  I mean, it doesn’t look all that great.  Too small and hand cramping with weird analog stick placement.  Sliding screen so it’ll be more prone to breakage.  Won’t do anything that current models can’t already do.  And yet it costs the same amount as a Wii?  Yeah, I was already down on it when it leaked and now I can at least rest in knowing I’ll still have $250 in my pocket in October.

6.  Gran Tourismo stuff – GT PSP coming with 800 cars and 34 tracks, GT5 STILL not released but coming soon.

Don’t care.

7.  Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker – a new PSP Metal Gear game set 10 years after MGS 3. Hideo Kojima is writing this with the MGS4 team and they proclaim it a true sequel.  Player will play as Big Boss.

DO care!!  Sony is encroaching on Nintendo’s pants changing territory here.  I LOVED MGS 3.  Favorite of the series.  Another Big Boss game is A-OK with me.

8.  Multiple PSP game announcements – Resident Evil portable, Little Big Planet PSP, Monster Hunter, Soul Calibur, Assassins Creed Bloodlines, Hannah Montana, Harry Potter, any more!

Seriously, how did Sony get all this interest in the PSP all of a sudden.  Granted I’ve been using mine far more frequently since I hacked it (mostly reading COMICS of all things) but even if I hadn’t been all these announcements would have made me dust the sucker off.  Good job Sony!

9.  Playstation Home – 6.5 million users, 100,000 units of Resident Evil 5 and Street Fighter 4 virtual merch sold

Sony takes this part of the conference for more masturbation about their so called revolutionary Home space.  In terms of epic fail, this has to be near the top of the list.  They did note that there will be KILLER new content coming soon.  I believe they mean this in a literal sense – you will die from starvation by waiting in line to bowl.  There also appeared to be furries in their little promo video.  Kinda worried about that one.

10. Assassin’s Creed II – sequel set to be released in November 2009.

This game looks hella fun.  Running around in Renaissance Italy is a unique environment and this new character has all his fingers.  Suck on that Altair!! Also, Leonardo Da Vinci is gonna be your friend, just like the Macho Man!  Fun note:  New guy now has a Batman styled utility belt complete with smoke pellets.  Awesome!

11.  Final Fantasy 13 – long awaited sequel likely to be released in early 2010.

Well, it certainly has great visuals.  Too bad I couldn’t care less about Japanese styled rpgs with dudes who look like chicks.  Pass.

12. Final Fantasy 14! – new online based Final Fantasy game to also be released in 2010.  PS3 exclusive (or so they say)

The only thing I would like to say is that I actually predicted this announcement more than FIVE seconds before it was announced.  That’s my psychic brain power for ya.

13.  Playstation 3 motion controls – Sony has announced their new updated motion controls, two wiimote-like wands that were obviously early production models.

I found this quite intriguing.  The actual motion tracking is very impressive and the interaction with the PS Eye camera leads to loads of possibilities.  The one scar on this announcement was my fear/anticipation that the dude doing the description was going to pass out and possibly become deceased on stage.  His voice cracked multiple times and he was noticeably nervous at the start of the tech demo.  Thankfully he calmed down as time passed, but it was quite a tense first few moments.

14.  Modnation Racers – Sony’s new kart racing game with a heavy focus on user generated content.  Think of it as the racing equivalent of Little Big Planet.

Probably the biggest surprise of the conference to me.  Not that the announcement was a megaton, but I usually couldn’t care at all about racers (See: Gran Tourismo) and this one looked amazingly fun.  The best aspect of this game is the track creation which is very easy to use.  Simply drive in the shape you want the track to be, and the road is built behind you.  Modify the terrain as you please and you’re good to go.  The team on stage set a limit on themselves of creating a track in 5 minutes and the one they created wasn’t bare bones at all.  It looked quite fun actually.  Really looking forward to the possibility of potential animal hit and run carnage.

15.  God of War 3 – coming March 2010.

What a beautiful game.  Still haven’t played part 2 but this game is lighting a fire under my ass.  The previous games in the series were no slouches in the violence department but this one blows them out of the water.

Well, that’s it for E3 coverage.  Hope you enjoyed my ramblings and I do apologize if they got to be a little long winded.  This was the first time either of I had watched an E3 conference live and it was quite the fun day.  Looking forward to next year.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be there.